SHARING FUNNY JOKE!!!!

[fos daddy]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:


1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8 ) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the *** out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10 ) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for this is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's

[fos daddy]

THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them
They decided it was because they had not been baptized and
Didn't go to Sunday school
So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one
Will come out and play with us.
Will you baptize us?"
Sure," said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads
In the toilet bowl, one at a time.
Then he said, "You are now baptized!"
When they got outside, one of them asked,
"'What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick,
Because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis,
Because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss,
Because they just sprinkle water on you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'
"I think it means we're Pisskopailians!"

[fos daddy]

Today Ford introduced its new version of the Fusion ..
its a new model designed just for blondes .. its called The Confusion

[fos daddy]

A man driving down the highway with his wife sees a baby skunk injured on the road.
So he tells the wife he will pull over and retrive the baby skunk and get it medical care.
So he pulls up and grabs the baby skunk from the road.
He takes it over to the car and tells the wife to hold it between her legs until they get to an animal hospital.
The wife says to her husband: But what about the smell ?
And the husband replies: its ok ,,
Just hold its nose !!

[Invitado]

You have already posted this once before ...and I`m sorry , but I think it`s disgusting

[fos daddy]

You have already posted this once before ...and I`m sorry , but I think it`s disgusting

So did the skunk

[Hans]

the judge says to the accused: I have good news and I have bad news for you. The bad news is, I adjudge you to death by shooting.
And the good news is: Arjen Robben will shoot.

[fos daddy]

the judge says to the accused: I have good news and I have bad news for you. The bad news is, I adjudge you to death by shooting.
And the good news is: Arjen Robben will shoot.

Ha !!

[Emilie]

Hans, your avatar is a funny joke for me

[Funnynunny]

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[fos daddy]

Senior Wedding


Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."


Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

[fos daddy]

How about some oldies
A blonde girl decides after many years that she wants to try ice fishing,,
so she buys several books on ice fishing and reads them cover to cover several times.
she then goes to the local sporting goods store to purchase all the things she needs to go ice fishing.
well finally the big day was here and as she sat on her ice stool trying to cut a circular hole in the ice she heard a voice say,,"there are no fish under the ice"
so she looks up and sees no one around,so she continues trying to make a circular hole in the ice,and once again she hears,"there are no fish under the ice" so
she gets up and looks upwards and says is that you god?
and from the distance she hears a voice holler "no its me the manager of this ice rink" and theres no fish under the ice !!!!!!

[fos daddy]

A housewife comes home and finds her husband in the kitchen holding a fly swatter..
she ask the husband what are you doing?
AND THE HUSBAND REPLIES IM KILLING FLIES!
SO FAR IVE KILLED 3 MALES AND 2 FEMALES!!
the wife replies how the hell can you tell the
sex of a fly you killed
THE HUSBAND REPLIES,,WELL THE 3 MALES WERE ON THAT BEER CAN
AND THE 2 FEMALES WERE ON THE PHONE..

[fos daddy]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because
she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked
her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying
again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a
funeral director,"
she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her
first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a
few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short
time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining
that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20s, then a
circus ringmaster when in her 40s, and a preacher when in her 60s, and
now - in her 80s - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had
married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the
show, three to get ready, and four to go."

[Funnynunny]

a friend of mine posted this on fb and i just have to share it with ya guys..lol

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

LOOOL ...

[fos daddy]

If you attended a concert where the bands that played were ...

Quarterflash
Nickelback
and
Pennywise ..

do you think you'd get your moneys worth

[fos daddy]

A blonde takes her husbands new SUV out for a drive on a friday afternoon during a storm and it hailed .
The car was covered with large dents from the hail damage , so she drives it to the car dealership to see about getting it fixed .
The manager at the shop says he can't take it in til monday to have it fixed so she'll have to go home and deal with her husband , But since shes a blonde he gives her a little advise ..
Go home and let the car cool down for about and hour and try blowing into the tailpipe of the exhaust to see if the dents will pop back out .
So, she goes home and lets the SUV cool then tried this method ,, and it wasn't working .. so why she was blowing so hard into the tailpipe her blonde neighbor noticed her attempts to fix the dents so she comes out of her house to add some advice ..
Dear, you can blow all you want ,, you wont be able to pop out those dents if you dont roll up the window

[YNWA]

I`ll have the advice in mind! Btw, I think I`ve understood it

Actually, unconsciously, I`ve just said one joke above. ( Blond says: I think... )

[fos daddy]

Sense of Freshness....

A while ago a new supermarket opened in Laleland, Fl., it has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant
thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal
grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of
fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

[fos daddy]

Recently i had to inform a friend that 89% of Christmas music is recorded by non christians.
I told him that Barbra Streisand has almost as many Christmas albums as there are Candles on a Menorah.
And that Kenny G is starting to catch up with her,
But not to worry , Barbra still has him beat by a nose