if your Irish or not ,,, have a safe day of drinking and eating
Irish Last Request
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'"
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the brewery..."
"Oh, God no" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, drying her eyes she looked up and said, "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no, Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini. With each drink, he removed the olives and placed them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all of the drinks were consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan was doing, "but what was that all about?"
"Nothin'," said the Irishman. "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
YOU'VE BEEN OUT DRINKING AGAIN
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again but with the same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting:
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!!!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink
"Why, of course," comes the reply.
The first man asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," says the second.
Curious, the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it. Me too!" Let's have another round of drinks to Dublin".
The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you attend?"
"St. Mary's," replies the first man. "I graduated in '62".
"This is becoming unbelievable!!" They say in unison.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having a beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see the Jews fallin' victim to temptation as well."
Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill!"
LOST AT SEA
Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic rescue from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick,a genie came forth. This particular genie however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening clash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"
An Irishman arrived at JFK Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage."
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
and my favorite:
WATER TO WINE
An Irish priest is driving down to NYC and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," the priest says.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
It ain't over til the fat lady diets