SHARING FUNNY JOKE!!!!

by **Funnynunny** » September 10th, 2003, 9:31 pm

this one is called wrinkled! a young woman was preparing for her wedding. she asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. well, mom forgot until the last minute. she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. she bought it and threw it into the suitcase. after the wedding, the bride and groom entered their hotel room. the groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promised not to peek while he got ready for bed. while she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. "oh no! it's short, pink, and wrinkled!" she exclaimed. then her gromm cried outI told you not to peek!"..lmaooooooooo!!!!

by **Funnynunny** » September 10th, 2003, 9:40 pm

this one is called generation gap! an old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. a young man walked up to the bench and sat down. he had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. the old man just stared. every time the young man looked over, the old man was staring. the young man finally said sarcastically whats the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" with out batting an eye, the old man repliedgot drunk once and had sex with a parrot. i was just wondering if you were my son." lmaooooooo!!!!!!

by **VirginKiller** » September 10th, 2003, 9:53 pm

LOL that one is funny ...you deserve your nickname

by **Funnynunny** » September 10th, 2003, 10:01 pm

ok this one is called talking dog! a guy sees a sign in front of a house in harrowtalking dog for sale" he rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. he goes into the backyard and sees a nondescript black terrier sitting there. "you talk?" he asks. "yeah" the dog replies. "so what's your story?" the dog looks up and sayswell, i discovered my gift of talking pretty young and i wanted to help the government, so i got on the blower and told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdrooping. my undercover name was k9 and i was one of their most valuable spies for many years." "eventually the jetting around really tired me out, and i knew i wasn't getting any younger and i wanted to settle down. so i signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "i covered some incredible dealings, was awarded a bunch of medals, got a wife, had pups, and now i'm just retired." they guy is amazed. he goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. the owner saysa tenner for cash." the guy saysthe dog is amazing. why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "coz he's a bleedin'liar. he's never done any of that stuff." lmao!!!!

by **Funnynunny** » September 10th, 2003, 10:29 pm

this one is called the perfect speach! what we really wnat george w. to say...."my fellow amercians, i have a number of important announcements to make today. effective immediately, i have ordered all amercian armed forces out of south korea and will cease all aid to south korea. the south koreans have made it lcear that they know better about their own security and will therefore be given the opportunity to take on that responsibility themselves. at the same time, i would like the north koreans to know that we have targeted all major north korean cities and military installations with submarine based nuclear missiles and any attempt by them to cross the demilitarized zone, or any attack of any kind on any nation, and i will order a full and complete launch of out missiles. in addition, if north korea ships any nuclear materials or weapons to any country, we will launch misslies against all their government and military installations. i leave it uo to the good judgemnt of the american people whether they want to continue buying unsafe made by people who hate us. i am also closing all us bases in germany and returning our troops home. i will leave it up to the good judgment of americans whether they want to continue to buy overpriced cars made by former nazis. &joking....i would also like to announce that, effective immediately, the united states is suspending membership in the united nations and will cease all payments to the organisation. they have proven to be silly and ineffective and a waste of your taxpayer dollars. the united states has invited the united kingdom, austrailia, and other willing european countries, and former members of the eastern block who are now free and fully appreciate the price of freedom, to join a new alliance-nato (not nato). the united states will continue it's membership in nato to the extent that it suits our national interests, but will no longer promise to uncondionally defend france and germany-and that includes from each other. with regard to belgium-who cares. with regard to the war on terrorism and the recent elevation of risk alert- i am notifying all nations who have supported, funded, and protected al qaida, that any mass casualty attack on the united states or US citizens abroad will result in a nuclear retaliatory attack on the capitals of those nations and any known al qaida camps in those nations. after 9/11,2001 i said that you are either with us or with the trerrorists. now is when all nations will get to chose for real. fully, completely, and honestly cooperate in shutting down al qaida right now, or suffer the same consquences that we will inflict on them. all american citizens are advised to leave these countries immediately. you know who they are. in closing, i would like to say to hillary and tom(daschle).....SHUT UP. god bless the united states of amercia."....george w. bush....this is a joke not to offend anyone or not to offend any country ok everyone thanks you for understanding nunny!!!

by **Stormchaser** » September 10th, 2003, 10:54 pm

Some State mottos:
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Kentucky: Five Million People; Seven Last Names
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

by **Funnynunny** » September 10th, 2003, 11:14 pm

this one is called redhead and blonde! a redhead walks into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. she sits down next to this blonde at the bar stares up at the tv. the 10:00 news was on. the news crew was covering a stroy of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. the redhead turns to the blonde and saysyou know, i bet he'll jump." the blonde repliedwell, i bet he won't." the redhead placed $20 dollars on the bar and saidyou're on !" just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. the blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and saidall is fair. here is your money." the redhead replieshoney, i can't take your money, i saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." the blonde repliesi did too, but i didn't think he'd do it again." lmaoooooo!!!!

by **Funnynunny** » September 10th, 2003, 11:29 pm

while trying to escape through pakistan, osama bin laden found a bottle on a beach and picked it up. suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile saidmaster, may i grant you one wish?" "you ignorant, unworthy, daughter-of-a-dog! don't you know who i am? i don't need any common woman giving me anything!" barked bin laden. the shocked genie saidplease, i must grant you a wish or i will be returned to that bottle forever." osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and saidvery,well, i want to awaken with 3 amercian women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!" the annoyed genie saidso be it!" and disappeared. the next morning, bin laden woke up in bed with lorena bobbitt, tonya harding, and hillary clinton. his penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance. god is good! lmaoooooooooooooo!!!!!!!

by **Juho_Hiltunen** » September 11th, 2003, 3:50 pm

http://www.funny-facts.com/

is a place for you guys.

-juho-

by **Funnynunny** » September 11th, 2003, 9:48 pm

a redneck in west virginia goes to a pharmacist and saysi got a hot date tonight, an' i need me some pertection. how much is a pack a' dem rubbers gonna cost me?" the pharmacist responds "a three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax." to which the redneck replies "tacks! gawd a' mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?" lmao!

by **Funnynunny** » September 11th, 2003, 10:04 pm

this one is called the first blonde guy joke and well worth the wait! an irishman, a mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a buliding. they were eating lunch and the irishman saidcorned beef and cabbage! if i get corn beef and cabbage one more time for lunch i'm going to jump off this building." the mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimedburritos again! if i get burritos one more time i'm going to jump off too." the blonde opened his lunch and saidbologna agan! if i get bologna sandwhich one more time i'm jumping too." the next day the irishman opened his lunch box and saw cornedbeef and cabbage and jumped to his death. the mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. the blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. at the funeral the irishman's wife was weeping. she saidif i'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, i never would have given it to him again!" the mexicans wife also wept and saidi could have given him tacos or enchiladas! i didn't realize he hated burritos so much." everyone turned and stared at the blondes wife. "hey, don't look at me," she saidhe makes his own lunch." lmaoooooooooo!!!!

by **giggs11** » September 12th, 2003, 4:19 am

hehehehe some gr8 motos and parents in the USA!!!!!! AND THE OLD TIMER IS ONE HELL OF GOOD CASANOVA !!!!!
ANY MORE MOTOS OF OTHER STATES?HAHSHAHAHA LMAO
CHILL-GIGGS11-

by **Funnynunny** » September 13th, 2003, 8:07 pm

this is called the nuns! sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. in a very loud voice, the gist guy saidi think i'm going to move to utah, there are only 100 nuns living there." the second guy spoke up and saidi want to go to montana, there are only 50 nuns living there." the third guy saidi want to go to idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there." one of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice saidwhy don't you go to hell....there aren't any nuns living there..." lmaooooooooooo!!!!!

by **Funnynunny** » September 13th, 2003, 8:26 pm

this one is called 7 inches! a man enters his favorite restraunt and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone. he calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of merlot to be sent over to her knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his. the waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. she looks at the wine and sendss a note over to the man. the note reads: "for me to accept this bottle, you need to have a mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants." the man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it read: "just so you know, i happen to have a ferrari testarosa, a bmw 850iL and a mersedes 600sl in my garage, and i have over 25 million dollars in the bank. but, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would i cut 3 inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK." lmaooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!

by **Funnynunny** » September 13th, 2003, 8:45 pm

this one is called the tax jeanie! a man has spent many days crossing the desert with out water. his camel dies of thirst. he's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. he crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. he opens it and out pops a genie. but this is no ordinary genie. he is wearing an income tax inspector id badge and dull grey suit. there's a calculator in his pocket. he has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "well, kid," says the genie. "you know how it works. you have three wishes." "i'm not falling for this." says the man. "i'm not going to trust a government official." "what do you ahve to lose? you've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" the man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "ok, i wish i were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." ***poof*** the man finds him self in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. andhe is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "ok,kid, what's you second wish?" "my second wish is that we're rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***poof*** the man found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "ok, kid, you have just one more wish. better make it a good one!" after thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "i wish that no matter where i go beautiful women will want and need me." ***poof*** he is turned into a tampon. the moral of the story...? it the tax office offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached. lmaoooooooooooooo!!!!!!!

by **Stormchaser** » September 13th, 2003, 10:17 pm

All right Giggs, here’s some originals I came up with.

More State mottos:

Florida: Tax free Geritol for everyone!

California: We can’t afford a motto but we don’t care, we’re California. Please pay $10 motto reading tax.

Texas: State motto? Hell, we’re a country! You a sissy or sompin?

Arkansas: Lituracee kapital uf tha wurld

Goergia: Daisy Duke and moonshine, aint that enough?

Iowa: Everything’s better with corn! It aint just for breakfast anymore!

Illinois: Who needs them damn hills anyway?

Kansas: No beaches, mountains or babes, but boy can we farm!

New Mexico: Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind

Virginia: George Washington slept here!

Wisconsin: Ya, we may be fat, but we’ve got Farve! Ya hey der!

by **giggs11** » September 13th, 2003, 11:40 pm

cool mottos man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!funnynunny lives up to her name !!!!!!!!!!

by **Funnynunny** » September 18th, 2003, 11:52 pm

ok since i've been really sick and i feel better now its time for jokes! this one is called NAIR! my neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she tool it to the veterinarian. he found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. the vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurri ng she should go to the store and get some "nair" hair remover and rub in its ears once a month. the lady goes to the drug store and gets some "nair" hair remover. at the register the druggist tells herif you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." the lady saysi'm not using it under my arms." the druggist saysif you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." the lady says," i'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know i'm using it on my schnauzer." the druggist saysstay off your bicycle for a week." lmaoooooooo!!!!!

by **Funnynunny** » September 19th, 2003, 12:04 am

ok this one is called bumper stickers for women! 1. so many men, so few who can afford me....2. god made us siters, prozac made us friends. 3. coffee, chocolate, menn...some things are just better rich..4. don't treat me any differently than you would the queen..5. i'm out of estrogen and i have a gun..6. warning: i hve an attitude and i know how to use it..7. of course i don't look busy..i did it right the first time. 8. do not start with me. you will not win. 9. all stressed out and no one to choke. 10. i can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people. 11. how can i miss you if you won't go away? 12. don't upset me! i'm running out of places to hide the bodies. 13. if you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.lmaoooooooo!!!!!

by **Funnynunny** » September 19th, 2003, 12:14 am

this one is called redneck vacation! billy bob and luther ray were talking one afternoon when billy bob tells luther ray ya know, i reckon i'm 'bout ready for a vacation. only this year i'm gonna do it a little different. the last few years, i took your advice about where to go. three years ago ya said to go to virginia beach. i went to virginia beach and my wife earling got pregnant. then two years ago, you told me to go to myrtle beach....earling got pregnant again. last year you suggested gatlinburg and darned if earling didn't get pregnant again." luther ray asks billy bobso, what you gonna do this year thats different?" billy bob saysthis year i'm gonna take earling with me!!" lmaoooooooo!!!!

SHARING FUNNY JOKE!!!!

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