SHARING FUNNY JOKE!!!!

[Freshly Squeezed]

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that
it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace.

· The recliner was upside down and about
8 feet or so from where it originally was.

· My triceps, right thigh and both
nipples were still twitching.

· My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

· I had no control over the drooling.

· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts,
but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of
smell was gone.

· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my
head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe
return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

[scorpssam]

OMGoshhhhh!!! Isn't it IRONIC that your Cat knew 'How Well Curiousity KILLS'

[fos daddy]

The Brothel


The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.

The man replied, ' Ontario '.

'Really?', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .'
'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[Nemain]

Poor lawyers. Always hated

[fos daddy]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately went to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

[Funnynunny]

Man and Wife:

(Wife) was watching a cooking show the other day...
(Man): "What are you watching that for? You can't cook..."
(Wife): "And you watch porn...Why???"
(Man): Hmpfff

[fos daddy]

The Sharing Of Marriage...

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one
half in front of his wife .

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles
and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people
around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is
one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely
offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were
just fine - they were used to sharing everything

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping
the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal
for them.

This time the old woman said No, thank you, we are used to sharing
everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to
eat a single bite of food and asked.. 'What is it you are waiting for?

And she answered ....... The Teeth

[fos daddy]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve
you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and
says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this
taste funny to you?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.
' 'That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well,
'It's Not
Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning. 'I don't
believe
you,' says Dolly. 'It's true, no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I
couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I
know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says, 'Dam!'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them
to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he
said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a
family in Spain, they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she
tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her
husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've
seen
Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd
diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. ?A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[angel68]

A fish without eyes???? OMG Tom

I´m lazy, just posting a link....

http://www.amiright.com/jokes/u2.shtml

[fos daddy]

Sitting together on a train was Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.


The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:

Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks:

Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks:

Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks:

I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap the *** out of Obama again

[Funnynunny]

Sitting together on a train was Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.


The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:

Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks:

Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks:

Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks:

I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap the *** out of Obama again

[Freshly Squeezed]

LOVE IT!!!

[fos daddy]

An elderly couple is attending church services.

About halfway through, she writes a note and Hands it to her husband.


It says, " I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back , " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."


.

[fos daddy]

How many drugs does Charlie Sheen use in one day
Enough for Two and a Half Men

[fos daddy]

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big *** he always was.'

[Nadin]

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big *** he always was.'

It seems I've already heard this one, but still that's funny

[fos daddy]

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.' The old woman faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

[fos daddy]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

[CheilaRaposo]

It was valentine's day, and a young man decided to buy some gloves to send to his virgin girlfriend, who his was thinking about to get married.
He asked the woman in the store to put them on a box, but instead, she put in there underpants, by mistake, and he didn't know it.
So, he sent the box to his girlfriend, and added a letter:
"My love,
I hope you like this present. I know you ussually don't use them (or at least I've never seen you wearing them), but I think you'll like the colour and the model of them. To be sure that they would look nice, the woman on the store experimented them right in front of me, and they were great. They were a little large, but the woman assured me that it was better like that, because this way, the hands get into them better and the fingers move arround better too. After you use them, you should turn them inside out, otherway they will keep that awful smell.
So, I hope you like them, because they will cover what I'm about to ask your father if I can have Besides, they will protect the place where I'll put the thing you have ever dreamed about to have
With love,
your future husband."

[fos daddy]

LMFAO

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon...
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'