SHARING FUNNY JOKE!!!!

[Funnynunny]

this one is called did you ever wonder? did you ever wonder? can you cry under water? how important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? if money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches? since bread is square, then why is sandwich mear round? why do you have to "put your 2 cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" where's that extra penny going to? once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? why does a round pizza box? what did cured ham actually have? how is it that we put man on the moon beforewe figured out it would be a good idea to put whels on luggage? why is it tht people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every 2 hours? if a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? if you drink pepsi at work in the coke factory, will they fire you" why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV? why do people pay to go up tall buildings, and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? how come we choose from just 2 people for president and fifty for miss america? why do doctors leave the rook while you change? they're going to see you naked anyway. if a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? and finally... why is "bra" singular and "pantie3s" plural? now, don't you feel better now that your brain is processing these questions? lmaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!

[havocec]

Oh nunny, you crack me up.

An old man wakes up on the morning of his 100th birthday. He sits up on the side of the bed and looks at his hands. "Well, hands" he says "Today you are 100 years old". He then looks at his feetHappy Birthday feet, today you are 100 years old". He puts his hands on his knees and saysIt's been rough, but knees, today you are 100 years old as well". Then he looks at his penis. "Well, what can I say old buddy," he sighsIf you had lived, today you too would be 100."

[gohesse]

This was an actual "mistake" made by a translator about clothes and tayloring...


"Ladies go upstairs and have a fit"

[VirginKiller]

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes,
charter a double-decker bus for a weekend for a bowling tournament
in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus, and the blonde
team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is
whooping it up, having a great time, when one of them realizes
she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches
the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight
ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They
all had white knuckles.
The brunette saysWhat's goin' on up here? We're having a great
time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up and says to herYeah, but you've got
a driver!"

[havocec]

Hey Virgin Killer, smarty-pants! I happen to know for a fact that there is not supposed to be a driver on the top level of a double-decker bus. So, take that I'm eating your bag of hallowe'en candy as you read this. I'll take one for the blonde team. MMMMMMMMmmmmm Buffy the Vampire Slayer tongue painter lollipops, Starburst chews, Pokemon bubble gum suckers, Rain-blo jawbreakers, Rain-blo eye-poppers sour gums, Skittles, hallowe'en kisses and Rockets. Betcha wish you lived in my neighbourhood. MMMMm mmm good.

[havocec]

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for each, for 6 weeks.

Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.

There is no access to fast food.

Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep hi assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

There is only on TV between them and....there is NO REMOTE.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches.

They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a. m.; make a model tent with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.

The last man wins only if...he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be called "MOM".

One more thing, they cannot kill themselves or the kids, or they automatically get voted off!


( i don't think i'd survive a day at this one )

[Lady Starlight]

Subject: Read your homework
A 6th grade teacher, Mrs Parks, asked her classWhich human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and saidYou should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the prinicipal, and you'll get fired!". She then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again. Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around herBoy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the classAnybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and saidThe body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks saidVery good, Billy." Then turned to Mary and continuedas for you, young lady, I have 3 things to say: First, you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn't read your homework. And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed.

[havocec]

LMFAO
That's 5 x it's usual size.



I had a lot of disappointment in my life. Oh, did I say that out loud. And I've had too much Hallowe'en candy.

[NUNO FILIPE]

Arnold Schwarzenegger is gonna be the new governor of California. During his acceptance speech Arnold said 'I will not let you down.' Unfortunately, at the time Arnold was holding a woman over his head and looking up her dress.

President Bush called Arnold to congratulate him today, and after he got off the phone, Arnold said, 'I thought my English was bad.

Maria Shriver is credited with helping Arnold win by standing by him despite allegations of groping. She had to stand by him cause Arnold had a vice grip on her left ass cheek.

How many people saw Arnold's speech last night? I haven't seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial

Six women have come forward that say Arnold Schwarzenegger groped them without their consent. This proves he would be a hands-on governor.

In his last day of campaigning, Arnold Schwarzenegger apologized for groping women in his past. He said 'What can I say, it was the '70s, '80s and '90s

Are you excited about the recall election? Arnold's campaign has a new slogan: 'Win one for the groper

Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling ya, this guy is presidential material

The media is all over this Oui interview that Arnold did 25 years ago. Now, he's admitted he smoked pot, had group sex and didn't mind dating a girl that was out of shape and kind of fat if she satisfied him sexually. So, his handlers have stopped comparing him to Reagan and started comparing him to Clinton." —Bill Maher

"Arnold is all over the map with this gay stuff. In the interview, he says men shouldn't feel like fags, his word, just because they want to have nice looking bodies. He said, 'I have no hang-ups about the fag business.' Boy, how about that, a guy who will stand up for gays while calling them fags. I think we have finally found the compassionate conservative." —Bill Maher

"An old interview of Arnold Schwartzenegger has surfaced where he admits to smoking a lot of pot and having sex with hookers. Finally a Republican all Californians can get behind." —David Letterman

"Arnold Schwarzenegger made his tax returns public, [and] now there's a problem about him stretching the truth. Apparently under occupation he put down 'actor.'" —Jay Leno

"It's been reported that some of Arnold Schwarzenegger's opponents have been circulating naked pictures of Arnold on the Internet. Yeah, in a related story, Arnold is leading the other candidates by four inches." —Conan O'Brien

"It looks like it's going to be Arnold Schwarzenegger or Gray Davis. You got a robot from the future or a robot with no future." —Jay Leno

"Now see, a lot of critics are saying Arnold can't get elected because he's just an ambitious guy with a famous name, who doesn't know anything about running the government. Didn't hurt George Bush." —Jay Leno

"Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me." —Conan O'Brien

"Today Arnold Schwarzenegger made another major announcement. He said his lieutenant governor will be Xena, Warrior Princess." —Jay Leno

"Arnold was on the 'Today' show today, he was a little light on specifics. He said he could solve California's $38 billion budget deficit, without cutting spending or raising taxes because there was a third way. What is it? Let's just say it involves a robot going back in time to convince Gray Davis to go into dentistry." —Bill Maher

"President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all." —Bill Maher

"Arnold Schwarzenegger campaigned in New York this week, where he stepped up his controversial goal of helping children.... It's all summed up in his campaign slogan, 'Arnold Schwarzenegger: Cutting violence in half with a laser-guided chain gun across a charred landscape — for the children.'" —Jon Stewart

"People are starting to forget about Florida, and all the hard work we Floridians did to become the top national laughingstock. Well, I have a message for you Californians: We're not going to take this lying down. You're in the limelight now, but there's another presidential election coming, and we're going to be ready. We're bringing back the chads." —Dave Barry

"Here's a little known fact — Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno." —David Letterman

"Critics say Arnold has no previous government experience, but advisers say he's clearly the most qualified Austrian, ex-Mr. Universe in the race." —Craig Kilborn

"Even Arnold's adviser says he was shocked by his decision to run. I mean, his people were backstage that night and they had no idea. He totally fooled them. Who knew Arnold was that good of an actor? If he had done that in a movie, he'd have an Academy Award by now." —Jay Leno

"People here in Los Angeles are disgusted now about a sex scandal involving Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently for seven years, he carried on a sexual relationship with his own wife." —Craig Kilborn

"Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he is going to run for governor on our program last night. My staff didn't know, Arnold's staff didn't know, I was shocked as everyone else. If he doesn't get elected governor, maybe he should work for the CIA. I mean, he can keep a secret better than they can." —Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country." —Conan O'Brien

"Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language." —Conan O'Brien

"The big political news, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's running for governor of California, and already, people are chanting, 'Four more vowels, four more vowels.'" —Craig Kilborn

"They're saying Arnold will get 95% of the vote. At least according to his brother, Jeb Schwarzenegger." —Craig Kilborn

"If Arnold is elected, you know who I'd feel sorry for? The people on death row. Imagine, you're about to be executed, the governor calls, you think it's your reprieve, and you hear 'Hasta la vista, baby.'" —Jay Leno

"Yesterday Jerry Springer bowed out of the Ohio Senate race. He said, 'If I can't run the most embarrassing campaign in America, then I'm out of here.'" —Craig Kilborn

"It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said." —David Letterman

"President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger." —David Letterman

"Critics have noted Schwarzenegger's only previous government experience was serving under President Bush senior as Chairman of the Council of Physical Fitness, a largely symbolic office, where Schwarzenegger's only responsibility was doing hundreds of jumping jacks he was going to do anyway." —Jon Stewart

"Schwarzenegger said last night on the show he expects his opponents to throw all kinds of dirt at him. And you know, it's started already. Today, they released the one thing that could really hurt Arnold. Turns out he once starred in a movie with Tom Arnold." —Jay Leno

"Finally, a candidate who can explain the Bush administration's positions on civil liberties in the original German." —Bill Maher, on Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Yes, in baseball when the team stinks, you fire the manager. But you don't fire him because it rains. And you don't let the opposing team choose a new manager for you. And you don't fire him between innings. And replace him with a Viennese weightlifter." —Bill Maher

"California is choosing between the lesser of, uh, 300 evils." —Jon Stewart

"Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's running for governor. He's got a great slogan — 'Vote for me, or I'll make 'Kindergarten Cop II....He's got a really stiff opponent — the English language."' —Craig Kilborn

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has still not officially bowed out of this race. It looks like he's not gonna run. But I'll tell ya, if Arnold does run, he better get on the ballot, because you don't want a write-in with a name like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Because people will go — 'Schwarz, schwarz, oh Davis is easier.'" —Jay Leno

"The Sacramento Bee is reporting that Arnold Schwarzenegger is not going to run for governor. You know what would be better? Arnold should do what he does in the Terminator movies. He should go back in time and prevent Gray Davis from ever being born. That way you wouldn't have the problem." —Jay Leno

"There's all this talk about Arnold Schwarzenegger. Well, you know where he is now? Visiting Mexico, which I think means that he is definitely going to run for governor. Arnold is smart. He's in Mexico campaigning with the very people who'll be living here by election time." —Jay Leno

"I went to see the Terminator movie the other night. Every time Arnold Schwarzenegger came on the screen this guy in front of me went 'Booo! Booo!' and was throwing stuff. I had to say 'Governor Davis just shut up and sit down!'" —Jay Leno

[Anchez]

List of Funny Accident Explanations
Following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempt to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.

*Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
*The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
*I thought the window was down, but I found out it was up, when I put my head through it.
*I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
*A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
*A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
*The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
*I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
*In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
*I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
*I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
*I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
*As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
*To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
*My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
*An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
*I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
*I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
*The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
*I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
*The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
*I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
*The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it struck the front end.

[Anchez]

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people -- whether they are employed or not.

At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

[Funnynunny]

a blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "my god!" the trooper gasped. "your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. are you ok ma'am?" "yes, oficer, i'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "i was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this tree pops up in front of me. so i swerved to the right, and there wasa another tree! i swereved to the left and there was another tree! i swereved to the right and there was another tree! i swereved to the left and there was.......... "uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her offthere isn't a tree on this road for miles. that was your air freshener swinging back and forth." lmaooooooo!!!!!

[Funnynunny]

this one is called three priests..three priest were in a railroad station on their way home to pittsburgh. behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. she made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets. the first priest approached the window. "young lady, i would like three pickets to titsburg." he completely lost his compsure and fled. the second priest goes to the window. "young lady, i would like three tickets to pittsburgh and i would like the change in nipples and dimes," mortified, he too fled. the third priest moves to the windowyoung lady, i would like three tickets to pittsburgh and i would like the change in nickels and dimes. and, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, st.finger's going to shake his peter at you." lmaoooooooooooooo!!!!

[Funnynunny]

this one is called so ya think you are a cowboy! an old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. as he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. she turned to the cowboy and askedare you a real cowboy?" he repliedwell, i've spent my whole life, breaking coltss, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so i guess i am a cowboy." she said. "i'm a lesbian." " spend my whole day thinking about women. as soon as i get up in the morning, i think about women. when i shower, i think about women. when i watch tv, i think about women. i even think about women when i eat. it seems that every thing makes me think of women." the two sat sipping in silence, a little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and askedare youareal cowboy?" he replied i always thought i was, but i just found out i'm a lesbian!!" lmaoooooooooo!!!

[tikkari]

One man was standing naked front of mirror and looking himself very carefully. At last he sed with his wife: Here is 90 kg dynamite.

When his wife sed: Isn't it very dangerous?
man: ??????
Wife: You have so short firewire!

[havocec]

Rope Trick:

Attention gentlemen! Remember this if you ever find your self in this position.

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided one has to leave becaue otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose a person, until the woman made a very touching speech.

She said that she will voluntarily let go of the rope. Because, as a woman, she is used to giving up everything for her husband and kids. For men in general and was always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands...

Let's hear it for the little lady.

[gohesse]

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers:

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".

Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the
sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

[gohesse]

Oh Nuts!

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.

When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.

In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."

As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house.
"The cemetery. Come quick!"

"What's the matter?" his father asked.

"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"

The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."

The boy then blurted outThe devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"

The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the otherNow, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."

They say the father made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy!

[gohesse]

A Greek priest is driving down to New York to see a show, and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath, sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and asksSir, have you been drinking?"
The minister repliesJust water."
The trooper asksThen, why do I smell wine?"
The minister looks down at the bottle and exclaimsGood Lord, He's done it again!"

[gohesse]

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:

1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities

But then there were equally good arguments that....

JESUS WAS BLACK:

1. He called everybody "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

But then there were equally good arguments that....

JESUS WAS JEWISH:

1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God

But then there were equally good arguments that....

JESUS WAS ITALIAN:

1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil

But then there were equally good arguments that....

JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:

1. He never cut his hair
2. he walked around barefoot
3. He started a new religion

But then there were equally good arguments that....

JESUS WAS IRISH:

1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures

But perhaps the most compelling evidence.....

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN:

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.....