SHARING FUNNY JOKE!!!!

[Invitado]

Pretty woman Tom, ...the one in your avatar

[Marta]

Recently i had to inform a friend that 89% of Christmas music is recorded by non christians.
I told him that Barbra Streisand has almost as many Christmas albums as there are Candles on a Menorah.
And that Kenny G is starting to catch up with her,
But not to worry , Barbra still has him beat by a nose

I read the first post on this page and didn't get what it has to do with Christmas

[Thomas]

OK .. A Halloween Joke

Why dont witches wear panties ? So they get a better grip on their broom

[Funnynunny]

OK .. A Halloween Joke

Why dont witches wear panties ? So they get a better grip on their broom

lmao is that coz the broom is made out of bulsawood for no slippery when wet fos daddy!

[Inulka]

OK .. A Halloween Joke

Why dont witches wear panties ? So they get a better grip on their broom

LOL

[Thomas]

What do the people in West Virginia do for Halloween ?

Pumpkin

[Thomas]

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification.



Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home, but was stopped by the Customs Agent at the Tijuana border.

'May I see your identification, please?' asked the agent.

'I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet,' replied the guy.

'Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border,' said the agent.

'But I can prove that I'm an American!' he exclaimed. 'I have a picture of President Obama tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of Vice-President Biden on the other.

'This I gotta see,' replied the agent..

With that, the man dropped his pants and bent over in front of the agent.

'By golly, you're right!' exclaimed the agent. 'Go on home to Maryland .

'Thanks!' he said. 'But how did you know I was from Maryland ?

The agent replied, 'I recognized the picture of Governor O'Malley in the middle.'

[Thomas]

RUMORS

Heard that Obama will sell the state of Rhode Island to France
and
Amend already has scheduled 40 dates there in 2013

[Thomas]

Another Halloween one ..
How come witches dont have children ?
Because all of the warlocks have Holloweenies

[Thomas]

I sent this to The National Weather Service in reguards to hurricane Sandy

All the politicians on capital hill in Washington Dc should open they're windows and blow really hard to the east
All of that hot air will send it out to sea

[onecrazysquaw]

Beeep Beep da beep beep beep..
THIS JUST IN....
HURRIKANE SANDY SAID "NO FRIKKEN WAY YOU AINT BLOWING ME TOWARDS THE JAWS OF DEATH",
SO SHE TURNED AROUND AND CALMED HER ARSE DOWN!

[Freshly Squeezed]

This has to be heard to be enjoyed:

Jury Duty

http://michaelberry.iheart.com/pages/sh ... board.html

[Thomas]

IRISHMAN IN THE ELEVATOR

A little Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him. He looks down and says:
"7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown"

The little Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him......The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"

The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................
I'm 7 ft tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner Brown"

The Irishman says:

"Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said,"Turn around!"

[Thomas]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL ... 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1967.. WHY DO YOU ASK?' YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD,
WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT
*** ASKED, 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???

[Funnynunny]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married:

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckoo-ed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckoo-ed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed.. 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckoo-ed three times, then said "oh ***" Cuckoo-ed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckoo-ed another three times, giggled, cuckoo-ed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted

[Thomas]

Mothers Milk

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their
mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven

advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth

70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of

seven advantages.

However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation,

just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test,

he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high

enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.


He got an A.

[onecrazysquaw]

IS THIS WHAT THE SCORPIONS MEANT BY RETIRING?http://www.TheHurryCane.com
i hope i got the link right.

[Thomas]

There was a knock on the door this past Saturday
morning.

I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:

"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

So I said "Come in and sit down."

I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the shiit out of me! Nobody ever let me in before."

[Thomas]

NOMINATED THE BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States .

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you

Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food

stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such

a beautiful country here in America ."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops,

shakes his hand, and says,

"Thank you for wonderful America !

That person puts up his hand and says,

"I am from Middle East .

I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks,

"Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa ."

Puzzled, he asks her,

"Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says,

"Probably at work."

[Thomas]

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet


A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.


"Just worked on me," he replied.